By Kate Morrow
When agreeing to write for this blog, I knew one of the posts would be about the sudden and traumatic loss of my father. I dreaded writing this one. But, it needs to be told and I want to get this one out of my mind, off my plate, out of sight.
I recently read an article that was entitled, “The Unique Hell of Losing A Parent When Your Kids Are Small.” As I read the article, a few lines really struck me:
“As taxing as it was, I put on my brave face and did what I had to do at home. Then I put on my brave face and did what I had to do at the hospital, and they were none the wiser.”
I remember exactly what I was wearing, what I was doing when I found out about my father’s unexpected and quick death. My brother called me. He didn’t even have to say it. I just knew. It was 4:45 p.m. on a Tuesday. I was still in the midst of my maternity leave. My husband Cam was about to leave the office and head home. William, my brother, uttered the word, “I hate to have to tell you this, but Dad…”
I instantly started screaming, “No. You’re lying. No.” I ran onto the front porch. I cried. I felt helpless and panicked. And then the twins started crying as they woke up from their nap. I remember having to hide my pain, my tears, my anguish, when all I wanted to do was sink into the floor. I could barely breathe. But they needed me.
“If there is one absolute truth, it is that death and grief and small children do not mix. Life as I knew it changed forever, but my circumstances and responsibilities did not. I was waist-deep in naps, meal prep, butt-wiping, art projects, the flu, paying bills, loads of laundry.”
I often wonder how I would have handled my grief differently if I were not a mother yet. I probably would have spent a lot of days in the bed, under the covers, with a pint of ice cream, and the television on Netflix to get my through my sadness. But as a new mom with infant twins, that was simply not a choice.
I remember telling my husband often, that I didn’t even have time to appropriately grieve my father because I was so busy being a twin mom. There are days I still feel I haven’t grieved him adequately and it’s going to hit me even more immensely when time slows down. Even though my husband was there every step of the way and my in-laws fly down the interstate any time I am in need—babies are babies and they still need Momma.
“Intense waves of grief periodically stop me in my tracks, take my breath away and force me to sit down and say to myself, “Holy shit, that happened.” Those waves will crash in the rest of my life, and if time is able to do anything for me, it will give me longer stretches between each one.”
In the weeks and months after my father’s death, I would find myself so busy between caring for the twins, being a wife, keeping up with the house, learning my new job, that I would sometimes forget for split seconds at a time that my father had passed. I would randomly think of him and how I should “call to tell him something” or “the next time I see Dad.”
And then it would hit me. And I would force myself to think about it. Really think about it. “This is forever.” “I will never see, hug, or talk to him again.”
There is no feeling in the world to describe that pain. None. There is no amount of time or level of busyness that can get you through that.
But honestly, being Jack and Lilly’s mom has given me so much inspiration and gotten me through some of the toughest days. People often ask me how I have been so strong through this. It is partially because I am so busy with life, but also part that I saw so much life and death during our hospital stay. I know the world has to end for some for others to begin.
The hardest part about my father’s death? Not getting to see him be a grandfather. He only got to be a grandfather for the twins’ first six months of life. He visited them in the NICU frequently, FaceTimed with us often, held them for the first time on Thanksgiving Day. It hurts the most because he would have been one of the world’s best.
He was so proud of them. After he died, I was the family member in charge of clearing off his phone. I found a photo log full of every single picture I ever sent him of the twins. I found text message after text message of him beaming with pride about his twin grandchildren to his family and friends.
What makes it better? A man that often gets overlooked because he is quiet, but humble. A man who I can simply not find enough words to tell how much I love, appreciate, and am grateful for not ever intending to take my dad’s place but intentionally makes the pain less deep because he is always there. A man who had to balance the difficulty of being overjoyed to be a new grandfather without overshadowing my pain in losing another new grandfather, my dad. He is sincere, loving, and giving. The epitome of what it means to be the protector of one’s family. Losing my father was breathtakingly, stop you dead in your tracks, painfully hard, but having someone I consider my second father made it easier.
He, my father-in-law, has the hardest job of all—being Jack and Lilly’s double Earthly grandfather. I have watched him these past eight months in awe and wonder as he has been there for all of their firsts, putting in overtime to make them feel the love of having a grandfather. The world’s best.
I know Dad is honored to give you his Grandpa moments that he is watching from Heaven with the same awe, wonder, and pride.
Thanks for being in our village, Ed. We love you.
My “rain” has ceased for a while and I am glad! I was blessed to spend some time with my three oldest granddaughters this past weekend, ages 5, 4, and 2. Car seats were 3-wide in the back seat of the pick-up truck and we were 4-wide in the king-sized bed. Too funny! I am amazed at the things they say and the knowledge they have gained in the short period of time they have been in this crazy world. I was especially blessed to spend time with the 2 year-old (pictured enjoying a “kiki”). 
Due to my sweet husband’s illness, we missed spending time with her most of those 2 years. With the grace of God, I will not let those sweet moments slip by again with any of my “little blessings”.
My sweet husband’s favorites were the Ham and Potato Chowder and the Taco Soup/Chili. He made his “hunting club” version of the Taco Chili using ground venison. It was always a huge hit for the hunters and my grandson (pictured with his Pop and big gobbler) and served with some cast iron skillet corn bread at the end of a long hunting day. No matter which you choose, soups and chowders are comfort foods for everyone.
I have just returned from a region meeting in Mississippi with my “Southern Sisters”. We laughed, we learned, and we shared so that when the weekend was over we all returned to our homes with our cups so full that they are running over with joy. So, I encourage you not to look at volunteering as work, but as fun while helping others. I guarantee the return you get will be more than you could ever give.
And boy, did I think I looked good in it. Picture Barbara Eden (eek, I just saw online that she’s 86 now – my mother’s age) … except as a chubby nine-year-old … and plain brown hair instead of blonde … and a sweatshirt on top of the whole thing because it was cooold that Halloween night, even in our northern California neighborhood. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) no photo evidence remains to show you what a great costume it was.
Maybe you yourself are one of those people who can’t wait to dress up as a sexy French maid or sexy vampire or sexy anything (do you sense a theme here?). Apparently you have plenty of company. Personally, I’ve always favored creative homemade costumes, like the time my husband I donned gray sweatsuits and stuffed the thighs and arms with newspaper ala Hans and Franz of Saturday Night Live fame. Didn’t cost a dime, plus it was a lot more comfortable than a sexy costume. The only thing I had to worry about falling out was some crumpled newspaper.
I’ve also finished reading a book that some of you may find very helpful. The 36-Hour Day. By Nancy L. Mace, MA and Peter V. Rabin’s, MD, MPH. I got my copy online. I think it cost me around $6.00 or so because it was a used copy. It’s a very good book.
Weight is an issue that most every woman deals with at some point in life. As we age, it tends to find a way to hang on for dear life! It seems that the determination to maintain a healthy weight and consistent exercise routine is now a thought bubble somewhere in the back of my mind. That thought bubble is filled with excuses, but none better than “I just can’t because my entire body hurts!” Although this is a very good excuse in my book, I still need to try and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
In the kitchen, I was unable to cut, chop, peel, slice and dice, so preparing healthy meals at home was placed on the back burner, (no pun intended). Fresh fruits and veggies were definitely off the menu. I couldn’t do anything that required fine motor skills and dexterity due to the incredible pain being experienced in most every bending bone in my body. In my unwanted new season of life, take-out was my “go to” because that was truly the best I could do!
I need to lose 20 pounds. What about you? Whether we need to lose 10 pounds or 100 pounds, let’s not “weight” it out! Hopefully by the time we ring in the new year, we will already be on course. The hardest part is simply getting started! I’ll keep you posted on progress or slip ups along the way. Maybe sharing this with you will help me in my motivation department!
Every Woman Blog 